Imperfect Motherhood

A few things have really got me thinking recently about what it means to be a woman and a mother. How do I know if I am a "good" mother? Am I doing enough? Am I doing the right things? What about all the things I'm *not* doing?

I was really impressed by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk during the Relief Society General Broadcast on Saturday--and not just because every single word was directed straight at me. To fill the rest of you in who don't know what I'm talking about, he described the difference between when his wife cooks and when he does.

Woman: Makes a delicious, healthy, and visually appealing meal. Looks too perfect to destroy by eating, but tastes even better than it looked. He says: "wow, this is amazing. Great dinner!" She says: "I'm sorry, I think I added too much ginger." or "I'm sorry, I should have added more spice."

Man: Makes his specialty, fried eggs and twice-toasted bread. The eggs are a little greasy and the toast is burned. He says: "Hey, I did pretty dang good!" She says: "Thanks for cooking--you're wonderful."

Why is it that we (especially women but men too) seem to always notice our inadequacies? We give ourselves no credit for what we did accomplish if the end result doesn't match up with the picture in our heads. We are so busy being focused on what we're not that we forget who we are.

I stumbled across an article written by Orson Scott Card (author of Ender's Game and the Women of Genesis series among many others) about his wife, Kristine. If you identify with what I'm rambling about here at all, you NEED to read this article. He describes his wife as a perfect wife who dedicates her time and energy to doing everything she can for the family, but doesn't iron his shirts. A perfect wife who doesn't bake her own bread.

"O my fellow Saints, ye males and ye females! Hearken to my voice!

There are so many ways to be a good Mormon wife. They involve taking all the talents and all the time and all the means that God has given you and using them to serve others, especially your family.

The key phrase is that you use the talents God has given you. And you use the time that you actually have.

1. Not everybody is good at everything. I can't manage money. Kristine can't write novels. So I write the books and she pays the bills.
2. Not every possible use of your time is as important as every other use. Kristine didn't have time to take care of our kids' needs (including the handicapped one), do her church callings, run our business, and learn to make bread and iron my stupid shirts.
   

Here's what a good Mormon wife does: Whatever must be done for the good of her family.

Here's what a good Mormon wife does not do: Beat herself up because she can't do every good thing that she's seen other Mormon wives do. There is no article of faith or temple recommend interview question dealing with shirt-ironing or bread-baking or even money-managing.

We all have our own marriages, our own talents, our own lives. Keep the commandments, be kind to each other and provident and wise with your children.

After that, whatever you do is what Good Mormon Wives and Husbands do; and whatever you don't do is obviously something that you don't have to do to be a Good Mormon Spouse."

So, in honor of that, here it is:

True Confessions of a Wonderful Wife

1. Sometimes, we have cereal for dinner. It includes dairy, grains, fruit (sometimes), and you get to slurp the flavored milk out of the bowl afterward.
2. If you come by my house before 10am, I am almost guaranteed to still be in my pajamas. Scotty is more snuggly in the morning and staying in my pj's is my way of being optimistic that he will take a nice long nap. Also, If I have makeup on in the morning it generally means I was too lazy to wash my face the night before.
3. I try to practice consistent parenting. Occasionally, however, I will bribe Scotty with just about anything to let me have a few moments of quiet or to take a quick shower. Or to sit through Sacrament meeting.
4. Bobby pins and body spray can make up for not getting even a quick shower. Also, I rely on cute shoes and earrings to make an instant change from "frump mom" to "hot chica."
   
5. When I'm walking around campus and can't find a drinking fountain, I'll borrow Scotty's sippy cup. Afterall, my purse is now a diaper bag and there is only so much room!
6. Sometimes, I skip the "hanging up the clothes" part and we just wear clothes straight out of the dryer until it's time to start laundry again. Besides, Scotty's room doubles as our closet...
7. I have more fun coloring than Scotty does.
8. I spend time every day just watching my cute little monkey and smiling, even when there are dishes rotting in the sink and nothing to eat for dinner.
9. I know it's time to mop the wood floor when Scotty's feet turn black by the end of the day. I also use his spills and sippy cup drips to spot clean.
10. Sometimes I get frustrated. Sometimes I just need a break. I often don't cook, and Eric comes home to house that's even messier than the one he left in the morning. But every day I get to look around and realize how blessed I am to be a wife and a mother.

Here's my pledge.

I will spend less time noticing what I don't do, what I don't have, or what I'm not, and more time giving myself credit for what I get done, more time acknowledging what I have been given, and more time recognizing who I am.