Doing the right thing...even through tears

Why is it that doing the right thing is often the hardest thing to do? I think at least occasionally it should feel easy, just to motivate me to keep doing the right things the rest of the time. Still, I know I would regret making any other choice, and that makes it easier, right? RIGHT? I plan to keep on asking until I give myself the right answer.

For those of you who didn't know, I received a letter in January from the department (where I was a year and a half into a master's program in chemistry) informing me that my graduate status had been listed as "marginal". I was told that I needed to commit to 40+ hour weeks for the entire next year (April to April) to have any chance of graduating, but like the fickle program it is, no guarantee of a degree in April 2009.

What are the five stages of grieving? Oh yeah--let's start from the very beginning (a very good place to start).

1. Denial and isolation:
Well, hmm, I got the letter in January and I was told to inform my department of my decision by the end of February. Up until last week, my solution was to just not deal with it. I spent plenty of time thinking and sorting my options, but I essentially made my decision within days of getting the letter. I just chose not to do anything about it because...well...ok I admit it, I had no good reason for putting it off except that I wanted to pretend it wasn't happening. Sounds like I worked my way out of denial, so--moving on!

2. Anger:
Anger? me? NEVER!!! WHY DO YOU ASK??? Ok, this is a no-brainer. Let's examine the facts, shall we?
a) I was given an extra stipend when i was accepted to the program for being an outstanding incoming candidate (so far so good).
b) incoming students must pass four of five proficiency tests within the first three semesters in order to continue in the program--i was the only student in recent history to pass (albeit miraculously, i won't lie!) all four required tests on my very first try. (I tell myself this so I feel better--I can't stand the thought that I flunked out because I just wasn't smart enough!)
c) i completed the majority of my graduate coursework before completing my bachelor's, leaving me extra time for research from the very beginning. I also kept a 4.0 for all of my coursework including research, even through a rough pregnancy and juggling to find babysitters for scotty so i could attend my seminar.
d) after putting 8 months into my initial project, it was completely revamped last March. Additionally, it was sent back into the hands of the electrical engineers to be redesigned, to be eventually passed to me for testing. In December it was decided that the revamped project was also not going to work, and was completely scrapped for an entirely new project that sounded great on paper but hadn't gotten anywhere past that stage yet.
e) two days before the project was canceled (AGAIN!) I prepared a paper and presentation to give in front of my committee detailing my research thus far as a grad student and outlining the steps I would take to complete my project and earn my degree. As the project ceased to exist, I assumed that presentation would be meaningless and could not be given. Apparently, as I was informed TWO MONTHS LATER, I could have gone ahead with the presentation anyway and would have received credit for my progress report! At this point, I was also told that my failure to complete this requirement was one of the main reasons for my probationary status. True, I was originally supposed to present in August, but who would have guessed that Scott would come early? I had a twelve hour old son at the scheduled time of my original presentation.
f) despite the project problems, I put in 50 hour weeks for 15 months. Doing what, you may ask? (I still wonder, looking back). For the most part, TAing--which i loved! Unfortunately, they don't award graduate degrees in TAing in my department, so my effort didn't help my cause. During my program, I taught an organic lab and TAed for a sophomore level analytical lab, a graduate level analytical lecture class and the lab, and a chemistry writing class where i was the only TA for three sections of students. Good thing the department found me so useful!
g) in case you thought I was running out of things to be angry about, I supplemented my initial project with a second this past semester (yes, with a colic-y newborn!). I created an experiment for the graduate lab I TAed in the past from the bottom up--ordered, installed and tested all of the equipment, designed additional pieces to be manufactured in house, and prepared a lab curriculum for the class. It was supposed to be implemented this semester, and as I am currently in Phoenix for Eric's internship, I wasn't able to TA that class this time around. So, apparently, that project didn't count either--I did everything but actually supervise students putting it into practice, but you guessed it--almost doesn't count.

Ok, that's enough anger. I've moved on :o)

3. Bargaining:
I tried this one for about a week, and gave up. There is no way the department can or will guarantee that any project will work, or that work put into a project that yields nothing (yet again!) will still qualify me for a degree. In the end, I feel this was a moot point anyway, because I'm realizing that what I really want to do I can't do with a master's alone, and even if they could guarantee me a degree, I don't think i would continue for the sake of my mental health and my beautiful baby boy. No matter how I draw the line or write the story, I love being a mom in ways I never even liked being a grad student and I wouldn't miss my sweet Scotty for the world.

4. Depression:
Of course, I still have some doubts--will I regret not finishing this degree in the future? Does quitting now mean that I failed? I've always heard I could do anything I put my mind to, and I had the right start and I put my mind to it, and still came up short...I don't regret starting, and I definitely don't regret having a baby when I did, but somewhere it doesn't all quite add up anymore.

5. Acceptance:
Well...they say it can take awhile, and I'll probably bounce around for awhile, but there are a few keys things that reassure me that I am in fact doing the right thing for me. In the end, when my kids (however many of them there end up being!) are in school, I would love to teach high school chemistry. It takes a certain kind of person to teach high school kids to love science, and it's something I'm passionate about! I am excited about the idea and think it would be a wonderful thing for me, and a great thing for my family as well.

Until that time comes, I plan to pursue a secondary teaching certificate, but most of all: I want to just enjoy what I have now. I love being a mom! I've heard everything that can be said about motherhood being isolating, exhausting, and unrewarded...and that is true, but there are so many moments that make me glad I won't miss this.

There is nothing more beautiful than that sweet little smile I get every morning when I peek my head over his crib, the eyes that look so trustingly into mine, and the face that says: "Mama! You're here again just for me! I am so glad you're my mama!"

I wouldn't give this up for anything.